17 Common Phrases Parents Say That Push Their Adult Kids Away
Maintaining a strong bond with adult children is often a delicate balance. Words hold immense power, and even well-meaning parents can unintentionally create distance with what they say.
Certain phrases, while seemingly harmless, may come across as dismissive, critical, or controlling, making adult kids feel misunderstood or alienated. If you want to foster a healthy, close relationship with your grown-up children, it’s crucial to be mindful of your language.
Here are 17 common phrases parents say that can harm their connection with their adult kids.
“When are you going to settle down?”
This question can feel like pressure, especially if your child isn’t ready for marriage or long-term commitments. Instead, focus on supporting their current stage of life and trusting their timing.
“You’ll understand when you have kids of your own.”
While intended to provide perspective, this phrase can come off as dismissive of your child’s current struggles or opinions. Acknowledge their feelings without comparing them to future experiences.
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“We gave up so much for you.”
Statements like this may induce guilt rather than gratitude. Your sacrifices were part of parenting, not something your child should feel indebted for. Keep the focus on celebrating their achievements.
“You never call or visit anymore.”
This guilt-inducing phrase can make your child feel overwhelmed rather than motivated to reach out. Try expressing your desire to spend time together in a positive, non-accusatory way.
“That’s not how we did it in our day.”
Comparing your child’s choices to your own generation can feel dismissive of their reality. Instead, show curiosity and interest in their experiences and challenges.
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“Are you sure that’s the right decision?”
While it’s natural to worry, this question can undermine your child’s confidence. Offer support by saying, “I trust you’ll make the best decision for yourself.”
“You’re being too sensitive.”
Dismissing your child’s feelings can create a rift. Validate their emotions instead, even if you don’t fully understand them, by saying, “I hear you.”
“You should have done it this way.”
Unsolicited advice can come across as criticism. Wait for your child to ask for your opinion or offer advice gently by asking, “Would you like to hear my thoughts?”
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“We’re only saying this because we love you.”
While well-meaning, this phrase can precede comments that feel harsh or judgmental. Express love directly without attaching it to criticism.
“Why don’t you spend more time with us?”
Instead of framing it as a complaint, invite your child in a way that emphasizes how much you value their presence, like saying, “We’d love to see you—what works for you?”
“You’ve changed.”
Even if unintentional, this phrase can sound like a judgment rather than an observation. Instead, celebrate their growth by saying, “I’ve noticed how much you’ve grown in this area.”
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“We know what’s best for you.”
This can feel condescending to an adult child trying to navigate their independence. Show support by saying, “We’re here if you need advice or help.”
“You don’t need to tell anyone about this.”
While intended to protect family privacy, this phrase can make your child feel silenced or burdened. Foster openness instead by creating a judgment-free zone for sharing.
“You should listen to me—I’m your parent.”
Pulling rank in adulthood doesn’t foster mutual respect. Instead, focus on building a partnership by saying, “Let’s talk about this together.”
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“You’ll regret that decision.”
Predicting failure can feel discouraging and erode your child’s confidence. Encourage them with, “I’m here for you no matter what happens.”
“We just want you to be happy, but…”
Adding a qualifier after this phrase often diminishes its sincerity. Keep it simple and genuine by saying, “We’re proud of you and just want you to be happy.”
“Why don’t you do things like your sibling?”
Comparing your children is a surefire way to create tension and resentment. Celebrate each child’s individuality instead, focusing on their unique strengths and accomplishments.
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