20 Hurtful Phrases to Avoid Telling Your Kids in the Midst of a Divorce
Divorce is a tumultuous time for everyone involved, but children often bear the brunt of the emotional fallout. During this time, it’s crucial to carefully consider your words when speaking to your kids. Saying the wrong things—whether in anger, frustration, or sadness—can leave lasting emotional scars.
Children need stability and reassurance during a divorce, not added stress. Here are 20 things not to say to your kids when you're in the middle of a divorce, along with alternatives that foster security and support.
“This is all your fault.”
Never imply that your child had any role in the divorce. Blaming them can cause deep emotional wounds, leaving them feeling responsible for something far beyond their control.
“I never wanted kids in the first place.”
This phrase can severely damage a child’s self-worth. Children need to feel loved and wanted, and such a statement can create long-term feelings of rejection.
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“Your other parent is a terrible person.”
Speaking negatively about the other parent puts your child in an uncomfortable position. Children shouldn’t feel like they have to choose sides or carry the weight of your conflicts.
“You have to decide who you want to live with.”
Asking a child to choose between parents is a burden no child should bear. This places undue pressure on them and can lead to feelings of guilt, no matter their decision.
“Your mom/dad doesn’t care about you.”
Implying that their other parent doesn’t care can create anxiety and insecurity. Children need to believe that both parents love and prioritize them, regardless of the divorce.
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“I’m only staying because of you.”
Telling your child that they are the reason you stayed in an unhappy marriage places unnecessary guilt on them. It can also make them feel responsible for your well-being.
“I can’t afford things anymore because of this divorce.”
Sharing financial stress with your child can cause them to worry about stability and security. It’s important to shield them from adult problems like financial concerns.
“You remind me of your mother/father.”
While this comment may seem innocent, it can carry a negative connotation during a divorce. It might make your child feel like they are being blamed for the relationship problems.
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“Your other parent doesn’t love you like I do.”
Comparing love between parents forces a child into a loyalty battle. Each parent’s love should be seen as unconditional and unwavering.
“I’ll never forgive your mom/dad for what they did.”
Expressing anger or resentment toward the other parent in front of your child creates a hostile environment. It also makes it harder for the child to maintain a healthy relationship with both parents.
“I’m happier without your mom/dad.”
While it’s important to find happiness after a divorce, this phrase can make children feel conflicted. They may struggle with the idea that one parent’s happiness comes at the cost of the family unit.
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“Your other parent is trying to take you away from me.”
Instilling fear in your child about custody or losing a parent can cause intense anxiety. They need to feel secure that both parents will remain present in their lives.
“I’ll be alone forever because of this.”
Putting emotional responsibility on your child to be your support system is unfair. They are not equipped to carry the weight of your adult feelings of loneliness or despair.
“I’m going to take you far away from your other parent.”
Threatening to remove your child from the other parent can create fear and insecurity. Children need stability and reassurance that they will continue to have access to both parents.
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“Your mom/dad chose someone else over you.”
Framing a new relationship as a form of rejection hurts your child’s self-esteem. They need to understand that the divorce was not a personal rejection by either parent.
“We wouldn’t be in this mess if it weren’t for your mom/dad.”
Blaming the other parent for the divorce or its aftermath puts your child in the middle of your conflict. They need reassurance that both parents will work together to support them.
“I can’t deal with you right now.”
Dismissing your child’s needs during the divorce can make them feel abandoned. Children need to feel like they are still a priority, even during challenging times.
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“This is adult stuff—you wouldn’t understand.”
While divorce details should be kept age-appropriate, shutting down your child’s curiosity can make them feel alienated. Instead, offer simple, honest explanations to help them understand without overwhelming them.
“You’ll understand when you’re older.”
Dismissing your child’s feelings with this phrase can make them feel invalidated. It’s important to listen to their concerns and address their emotions in the present.
“I wish I could go back and never marry your mom/dad.”
Regretting the relationship in front of your child can make them feel like they were a mistake. Instead, focus on the positive aspects of your family history, even if things didn’t work out.
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