20 Ways Parents Can Accidentally Teach Their Kids to Fear Failure
Every parent wants their child to succeed, but sometimes, even the best intentions can lead to unintended consequences. When we pressure children to achieve or shield them from mistakes, we may accidentally teach them to fear failure.
Kids who grow up afraid of failure often avoid challenges, struggle with self-esteem, and miss out on valuable learning experiences. Here are 20 ways parents might unknowingly encourage a fear of failure in their kids—and ways to help kids embrace mistakes as part of their growth.
Praising Only Successes
When parents praise children only when they succeed, kids may start to believe that success is the only path to receiving love and approval. This approach can make kids fear failure, as they’ll worry about disappointing their parents.
Setting Unrealistic Expectations
High expectations can be motivating, but unrealistic ones can overwhelm children, leading them to fear they won’t measure up. Kids who constantly feel they can’t meet expectations may avoid trying altogether to escape perceived failure.
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Criticizing Mistakes Harshly
When parents respond to mistakes with anger or disappointment, kids can learn to see mistakes as shameful. This negative association with failure can cause kids to become overly cautious, fearing the consequences of even small errors.
Shielding Them from Consequences
Protecting kids from the consequences of their mistakes might seem kind, but it can prevent them from learning resilience. When they face challenges later without your support, the fear of failure may intensify.
Comparing Them to Others
Constantly comparing a child’s achievements to those of others can breed self-doubt. Kids who are often compared may start to fear that their unique efforts aren’t enough, making them hesitant to try.
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Focusing on Perfectionism
When parents emphasize perfection, children may feel that anything less than flawless is unacceptable. This mindset can lead to anxiety and a fear of trying new things where they might not immediately excel.
Telling Them to “Do Better” Without Feedback
Telling children they need to “do better” without offering specific guidance leaves them without direction. Kids may feel confused and frustrated, fearing they’re not good enough, which only discourages further attempts.
Ignoring Small Wins
If parents overlook small steps and focus only on big victories, children may learn that small efforts aren’t worth celebrating. This can make them feel that only major successes are valuable, causing them to dread failure.
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Setting Rewards for Success Only
When rewards are tied exclusively to success, kids may hesitate to try anything that doesn’t guarantee a win. By setting up this conditional structure, parents can accidentally teach children to avoid risks for fear of missing out on rewards.
Solving Problems for Them
Parents who regularly step in to solve their kids’ problems may prevent them from building problem-solving skills. Kids who don’t practice solving issues on their own may fear they’ll fail when they’re eventually left to their own devices.
Celebrating Only High Achievements
If parents celebrate only top-level achievements, children may feel that lower accomplishments aren’t valuable. Kids then might develop a fear of trying new things if they think they can’t achieve greatness.
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Labeling Them Based on Outcomes
When children are labeled based on outcomes—like “my little winner” or “the best”—they can start to tie their worth to success. This makes failure feel threatening, as it risks losing a part of their identity.
Focusing on “What Could Go Wrong?”
If parents often talk about the risks or potential failures of trying something new, kids can adopt a similar mindset. This “what if it fails?” thinking can discourage kids from taking chances, fearing mistakes more than seeing possibilities.
Overemphasizing External Validation
When parents put too much weight on external achievements, like grades or trophies, kids may feel that validation only comes from others. This can make them fear failure, as it risks losing external approval.
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Disguising Worry as Concern
If parents express excessive worry about their child’s choices, kids may interpret it as a lack of confidence in their abilities. This concern can inadvertently teach them to fear risks and potential failures.
Not Allowing Them to Quit
While persistence is important, insisting that kids never quit can make them feel trapped in their decisions. Sometimes, learning when to pivot or try something new is just as valuable as seeing something through.
Rewarding Perfectionism
If perfectionist tendencies are constantly rewarded, children may come to believe that anything less isn’t worthwhile. This mindset can make failure seem unbearable, discouraging them from even starting tasks where perfection isn’t guaranteed.
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Speaking in Absolutes
Phrases like “you always succeed” or “you’re never a quitter” can create pressure on kids to maintain that image. When they inevitably face challenges, these absolutes can make failure feel like a betrayal of who they are.
Taking Failures Personally
If parents react emotionally to a child’s failure, children might internalize these reactions. They may fear failing because they don’t want to feel responsible for their parents’ disappointment or hurt.
Pressuring Them to Follow in Your Footsteps
When parents push children to follow their own career path or life goals, kids may fear deviating or failing in these paths. This pressure can make children afraid to explore their interests or to fail at something new.
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