Avoid Saying These 15 Things to Your Adult Kids If You Want a Peaceful Relationship
Parenting doesn’t stop when your kids become adults. In fact, it requires more patience and understanding than ever before.
As your children carve their own path in the world, it’s important to support them while also respecting their autonomy. Certain phrases, even if well-meaning, can easily cause friction.
If you want to maintain a healthy, peaceful relationship with your adult children, it's crucial to avoid certain comments that can unintentionally undermine their independence or cause tension. Here are 15 things to steer clear of saying.
“I Told You So”
Nothing stings more than hearing “I told you so” when things don’t go as planned. Adult kids are figuring things out for themselves, and hearing this phrase can feel like a blow to their pride.
Instead of pointing out mistakes, offer support and empathy. Your adult child needs your encouragement, not reminders of their past missteps.
“You’re Just Like Your Father/Mother”
While it might be tempting to make comparisons, this can be hurtful. Your adult child wants to be seen for who they are, not as a reflection of their parents.
These kinds of remarks can stir up feelings of frustration or insecurity. Celebrate your child’s individuality and avoid comparisons that can feel dismissive.
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“When I Was Your Age…”
Yes, your life experiences are valuable, but your adult children have their own unique challenges. Constantly comparing their struggles to yours can come across as patronizing.
Instead, offer advice only when asked and listen to their concerns without making them feel like you’ve been there, done that, and have all the answers.
“You Should Be Doing X By Now”
Every person has their own timeline. Pressuring your adult children about where they “should” be in life can add unnecessary stress.
Whether it’s about career, relationships, or starting a family, your child may be on a completely different path than you expected. Respect their pace and encourage them to take their own journey.
“You’re Too Old for That”
What may seem like innocent teasing about their age or interests can feel like a criticism. Adult children still have passions, hobbies, and quirks that make them who they are.
Avoid shaming them for the things that bring them joy, no matter how old they are.
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“You Need to Settle Down”
The idea that adulthood must come with certain milestones—like marriage, a house, or kids—can feel stifling. Telling your adult child to “settle down” implies that their current lifestyle is somehow incomplete.
Let them find their own sense of fulfillment, and remember, they might not want the traditional path you envision for them.
“It’s Not That Hard”
Minimizing your child’s challenges or struggles is dismissive. What might seem like an easy task to you can be overwhelming to them.
Instead of brushing off their concerns, offer understanding. Show that you appreciate their efforts and acknowledge that life can be difficult, regardless of age.
“That’s a Stupid Decision”
Even if you don’t agree with your child’s choices, labeling them as “stupid” can be damaging. It undermines their ability to make decisions and can cause tension.
Instead, offer a calm, thoughtful perspective on why you might think differently, but ultimately, respect their ability to make their own choices.
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“You’re Too Sensitive”
This phrase invalidates your child’s feelings and can make them feel misunderstood. Emotions are real, and everyone processes things differently.
If your child is upset, listen to their perspective with empathy and avoid belittling their emotions. Support and validation go much further than dismissiveness.
“You Won’t Be Happy Until…”
While you may have the best intentions in offering advice, suggesting that happiness can only come from achieving a specific goal (like getting married or finding a better job) can feel controlling. Happiness is personal and can come from many different places.
Let your adult child define what makes them happy.
“That’s Not How We Raised You”
Criticizing your child’s decisions by saying, “That’s not how we raised you” can make them feel as though they’re disappointing you. Adult children need to establish their own identity, which may look different from your expectations.
Instead, encourage them to grow and evolve, even if it means they’re no longer following your exact teachings.
“I’m Too Old to Deal With This”
Phrases like this can make your child feel guilty for reaching out to you or leaning on you for support. You may feel tired or overwhelmed at times, but your adult child doesn’t need to bear the weight of that.
If you need help, ask for it, but avoid making them feel like a burden.
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“You Shouldn’t Feel That Way”
Telling your child how they should feel invalidates their emotions and can damage the trust between you. Instead, listen carefully and acknowledge their feelings.
Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do is simply be there and offer a nonjudgmental space for them to express themselves.
“You’re Being Irresponsible”
While you may be concerned about their actions, accusing your adult child of being irresponsible can lead to defensiveness. Instead, try to approach the situation with understanding.
Share your concerns without making them feel incapable or immature. Offer your perspective without labeling them negatively.
“I Know What’s Best for You”
Even though you’ve lived longer, your adult child is now making their own choices. Telling them you know what’s best for them can feel controlling and dismissive of their autonomy.
Trust their judgment, and offer guidance only when asked. They need to know that you believe in their ability to navigate life’s challenges.
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