Things Parents Should Never Say to an Eldest Child, According to Experts
The eldest child often carries a unique set of expectations and responsibilities in the family dynamic. While they may be seen as the leader or role model, certain things said by parents can unintentionally create stress or confusion that lasts into adulthood.
According to experts, there are specific phrases that can shape how an eldest child views themselves, their family, and their future. Understanding these phrases—and why they should be avoided—can lead to healthier relationships and a more balanced sense of self for the oldest child in the family.
“You're the responsible one.”
Telling an eldest child that they're the responsible one can place a heavy burden on them. It can create unrealistic expectations and make them feel like they must always be perfect or in control.
While being dependable is a valuable trait, excessive pressure to be “the responsible one” can lead to anxiety or a sense of constant overachievement.
“You should set a good example.”
While it's natural for parents to want their eldest child to model good behavior, placing the onus solely on them can lead to resentment. When the eldest feels like they’re the constant “example,” it can suppress their own need to make mistakes and learn independently, as they might worry about living up to an impossible standard.
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“Why can't you be more like your younger sibling?”
Comparing the eldest child to their younger siblings is a recipe for low self-esteem. It can foster feelings of inadequacy and make the firstborn feel that their efforts are never enough.
Each child has their own strengths, and comparisons can lead to unnecessary sibling rivalry or hurt feelings.
“You're the second parent.”
Some parents, often unintentionally, treat their eldest as a second parent. This can result in the firstborn child shouldering emotional labor, making them feel like they have to care for their siblings or manage family dynamics.
This can stifle their childhood and lead to a sense of burnout or resentment in adulthood.
“When I was your age, I was already doing [this].”
While it's tempting to share your own experiences, telling your eldest that they should be more like you at their age can be damaging. Children develop at their own pace, and putting pressure on them to meet arbitrary milestones can create unnecessary stress and feelings of inadequacy.
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“Don't make the same mistakes I did.”
While offering advice is often well-meaning, framing the eldest as someone who is expected to avoid all past mistakes can make them feel overly cautious. This can lead to perfectionism, where they feel paralyzed by fear of failure.
Mistakes are a natural part of growth, and they should be allowed to navigate their own path.
“You're the mature one.”
Being labeled as “the mature one” often means that the eldest child is expected to act older than their years. This can deprive them of the opportunity to experience the carefree aspects of childhood.
It can also create emotional isolation, as they might feel they are expected to bear adult burdens too early.
“Why can't you be more independent?”
While it's important for children to develop independence, pushing the eldest to be self-reliant too soon can create a sense of inadequacy if they aren't ready. This can result in feelings of frustration or resentment, as the eldest may not feel emotionally prepared to handle the pressure of independence, especially when they're still learning.
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“It's your job to take care of your siblings.”
Assigning the responsibility of sibling care exclusively to the eldest can create a sense of unfairness, especially if they feel like their own needs are being overlooked. While siblings should help each other, the eldest child should not be expected to take on parental roles consistently.
“You have to set the example in school/work.”
Pressure to always excel academically or professionally can be stifling for an eldest child. This statement can lead to burnout or a lack of balance in their lives.
While high expectations are natural, it’s important to remember that the eldest child is still figuring out who they are outside of their role in the family.
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